Vent

I found out last night that I have a friend on life support right now, due to addiction. He has been in and out of recovery for over 15 years, and he was just coming up on nine months clean and sober. I guess he left a meeting, decided to get high and was found unresponsive. 

I’m mad, I’m sad, and I also have some fear. He seemed to really “get it” this time, was writing great messages, giving back, doing the right things. All it took was one thought, and he ended up almost dying. That could so easily be me; I had to be revived a couple times but thanks to the grace of god I am ok. 

Now, I know this isn’t about me in any way, and I’m not posting this to get sympathy because that’s not what this is about for me. It’s bringing up feelings of unworthiness for me to be alive, anger at this disease, sad for my bud and his fam, and a bunch of things I haven’t quite figured out yet. 

I’m working on feeling my emotions, but not getting caught up in my story about them. I’ve been breathing and praying and meditating. I will rat myself out and say I’ve been isolating a bit this week, which had put me in a weird head space even before I found out about my friend. I am five months and three days sober today, and though I’m doing really well I still need to be vigilant and do my work and be honest and open. 
I’m going to meet my sponsor for coffee soon, and there is a noon meeting I’m going to attend with her, which will help. I’m also about to do a slow, meditative practice. I didn’t sleep well last night, I need to be easy on myself today. 

Thanks for being there to share/read/listen/be your beautiful selves and giving me the space to do the same ❤

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Time Keeps Slipping

I was reviewing my TimeHop “On This Day” and came across pictures from me last year. I was very sick. I was using heavy amounts of fentanyl and methadose daily, pretending I was sober. I was actually at an AA Convention this day last year, sneaking into the bathroom to get high.

Today is so very different. I woke up at 6am, gave thanks, prayed, meditated, walked my dog, did yoga, and had a cup of coffee all before 9am. I feel alive.

I’m on Step 8 at the moment. It’s daunting, but like the rest of my recovery I know that I can manage. I am not my story, and don’t need to get caught up in my recollections of how bad of a person I may have been. Chances are, other people will remember it differently, and as long as I’m willing to make my amends then I’m growing spiritually.

Yesterday I had a slight breakdown, but after going to a meeting last night I realized it was because I hadn’t been to a closed meeting in a few days. I’m seeing ways I’m acting out in my disease and working on change. For example, my sugar consumption! I was consuming candy, hot chocolate, and other super sugary treats on the daily. I would miss dinner due to a busy schedule, and just eat candy instead. I have problems with my blood sugar fluctuating due to this behaviour. I would tell myself today was the last day, then do it again the next. So I have started to treat my candy consumption like drugs – just for today, I’m going to say no. I’m whenever I have a craving as well. I know to have my best possible life I need to work on keeping myself healthy in every possible way, and since I can’t consume sugar “normally”, I just need to not eat any. I haven’t cut out fruit like pineapples or grapes or apples, but who knows what will happen in the future.

I’m grateful today. I plan on spending a lot more time sharing my story, because doing that takes the shame out of it for me and may help someone else as well.

Sending love and light

 

 

Karma Teachers – My Yoga Teacher Training Experience

Four months prior to starting my Yoga Teachers Training with Karma Teachers I was homeless and hopeless. I had once again became powerless over my addiction. Through the grace of a Power greater than myself I was able to reach out for help and start back on the path of recovery.
I have always dreamed of being a yoga teacher. I have been practicing on and off since 2002. I had at one point even paid for a training, but wasn’t able to stop using and show up for class like I had planned. So, when I was doing some casual research on a Thursday I found that Karma was doing a Teacher Training in March I picked up the phone and managed to reach Emerson Lim Yoga. I told him some of my story, and he let me know that training started the following Monday.
On our first day we met our new classmates and teachers, including Rachael Fallon, and spent the day doing introductions and getting to know each other. I was nervous, but I shared honestly and openly of my experience in life as an addict. No one judged me; even though many people couldn’t relate to my particular experience everyone had their own shadows and battles about which they also shared openly. From that moment, we bonded. I learned and felt my first real lesson of Karma Teachers – the amount of time I know someone doesn’t affect the amount and depth of love and compassion I can have for them.
Through the next four weeks we laughed and cried – sometimes doing both at the same time. Through Rachael’s amazing teachings I was able to get more strong in every aspect of myself – physical, emotional, spiritual, mental. Rachael pushed me to a place she knew I could reach in the most nurturing way possible, always with grace and humour. I’m still in awe of her strength and capacity for love. Four months ago I struggled to walk up stairs, and now I can do headstands, sit in meditation for an hour with ease, and have a strong back. I learned pranayama, kriyas, Yoga Nidra and soooo much more. I am also able to lead a full yoga class, and will forever have her teaching’s etched on my heart.
Emerson‘s teachings were deep and heart felt, but always had space for humour. The yoga philosophy is parallel to many of the things I am doing in my recovery, which was able to help me reach a much deeper understanding. He helped me to take the words I know in my brain to really feel them in my heart. Emerson’s generosity, compassion, intelligence, honesty and bravery have helped save my life, and have changed me forever.

Karma Teachers has Teachers Trainings in both in Vancouver and Toronto, and I very highly encourage anyone and everyone to take part if you can. This revolutionary program is not just about doing the Asana (movements), you also gain tools on how to heal your trauma, how to build a community, and sooooooo much more.
I am forever grateful to Karma Teachers – I am not the same person I was a month ago. I have so much more peace, love, contentment and compassion for myself and everyone else. I am not my story. I am grateful for all of my experiences as they may help someone else one day, as long as I keep sharing when the moment arises.

I will be taking some of my teachings and combining them with my passion for non-profits, and working with at-risk youth and addicts. I am starting to develop a program which takes my yoga teachings and my nutrition background so they can be brought to anyone who is marginalized and in need of help. I also plan to start teaching women in prisons as soon as I can complete that training. I know that if I can do it, anyone can.

This is a long post, I appreciate anyone who took the time to read my experience. If anyone out there reading this is in need of encouragement, in need of help, or wants to know more of my experience, please reach out to me and I would love to tell you more.
Namaste 💗

Junky 2 –

Junk takes everything and gives nothing but insurance against junk sickness.

I knew that I did not want to go on taking junk. If I could have made a single decision, I would have decided no more junk ever. But when it came to the process of quitting, I did not have the drive. It gave me a terrible feeling of helplessness to watch myself break every schedule I set up as though I did not have control over my actions.

William S Burroughs.

Doesn’t that just describe it perfectly? I’m so grateful today to be free from that cage, from that feeling, and from that life. Waking up not having to worry about how i’m going to use and avoiding being sick is such freedom ❤

I’m off to a job interview. I am also moving into a new space this weekend. All thanks to doing the next right thing.

With love and light

Pool Shark

Just listening to Sublime, when Pool Shark came on. It’s always been a fave, but it has taken on a deeper meaning now due to my own struggles with addiction and opiates.

Have a listen, let me know what you think.

Sending love and light

Truth

On this day, you read something that moved you and made you realize there are no more fears to fear. No tears to cry. No head to hang in shame. That every time you thought you’d offended someone, it was all just in your head and really, they love you with all their heart and nothing will ever change that. That everyone and everything lives on inside you. That fact doesn’t make any of it any less real.
That soft touches will change you and stay with you longer than hard ones.
That being alone means you’re free. That old lovers miss you and new lovers want you and the one you’re with is the one you’re meant to be with. That the tingles running down your arms are angel feathers and they whisper in your ear, constantly, if you choose to hear them. That everything you want to happen, will happen, if you decide you want it enough. That every time you think a sad thought, you can think a happy one instead.
That you control that completely.
That the people who make you laugh are more beautiful than beautiful people. That you laugh more than you cry. That crying is good for you. That the people you hate wish you would stop and you do too.
That your friends are reflections of the best parts of you. That you are more than the sum total of the things you know and how you react to them. That dancing is sometimes more important than listening to the music.
That the most embarrassing, awkward moments of your life are only remembered by you and no one else. That no one judges you when you walk into a room and all they really want to know, is if you’re judging them. That what you make and what you do with your time is more important than you’ll ever fathom and should be treated as such. That the difference between a job and art is passion. That neither defines who you are. That talking to strangers is how you make friends.
That bad days end but a smile can go around the world. That life contradicts itself, constantly. That that’s why it’s worth living.
That the difference between pain and love is time. That love is only as real as you want it to be. That if you feel good, you look good but it doesn’t always work the other way around.
That the sun will rise each day and it’s up to you each day if you match it. That nothing matters up until this point. That what you decide now, in this moment, will change the future. Forever. That rain is beautiful.
And so are you.

Junky

i’m reading William S Burroughs “Junky” at the moment, and he gave this description of dope sickness:

“It is possible to detach yourself from most pain – injury to teeth, eyes, and genitals present special difficulties – so that the pain is experienced as neutral excitation. From junk sickness there seems to be no escape. Junk sickness is the reverse side of junk kick. The kick of junk is that you have to have it. Junkies run on junk time and junk metabolism. They are subject to junk climate. They are warmed and chilled by junk. The kick of junk is living under junk conditions. You cannot escape from junk sickness any more than you can escape from junk kick after a shot. I was too weak to get out of bed. I could not lie still. In junk sickness, any conceivable line of action or inaction seems intolerable. A man might die simply because he could not stand to stay in his body.”

 

 

Two posts, One Day

I just saw that a guy I partied with a few times passed, due to this disease. He was close to my ex, and once we relapsed came to where we were living a few times, to use. He cleaned up, but relapsed again and didn’t make it back. I’m not sure how I feel. Honestly, I’m sad for him and his family and loved ones. It makes me grateful that I am alive, and that my ex is alive. This disease is fatal, and each day I need to choose those right things, or else I will die. I almost died during my relapse, and I know if I go out again I am likely not going to make it back. Every single one of us addicts, if we go out may not make it back.

We discussed Step Three at Aftercare tonight. We spoke about how we were managing our selves today, what we were doing for a spiritual program, and how we were living our values.

It made me think about how far I have come. I was not managing myself at all the last while of my active addiction after relapsing. I was hardly showering, or eating, or doing any self care. I was a shadow of a person, I had no emotions, I had no hope, no humility. Drugs controlled my every single thought and action. I kept thinking how I wanted to do things differently, but would wake up and do the exact same things. And, I’m grateful for it. Because I’m alive today. I have work to do, for example in my spiritual program, and honesty, and being open. It’s a struggle. We were told tonight that revealing our true selves is part of the recovery process. I signed up for a one on one session with the counsellor on Thursday, I have some work I need to do and I need some guidance. I am really happy to be able to ask for help these days.

I’m still needing to write on my relapse, what went wrong, where I ended up –  my experience, and also my strength and hope today. I want to be a positive in this world, and in order to do that I need to do positive things.

Please, everyone, be safe. Know you’re loved, and missed, and you’re worth it.

You can’t treat life badly, and expect a good life

While meditating on the greyhound today, that thought came to me. It was a true “Aha!” moment, where I realized that if I did bad things in my life, I can’t expect a positive outcome. That doesn’t mean that because I’m doing good thing that everything is always going to be positive, but it’s much more likely than if I’m making poor choices.

I’m starting to feel pretty good about my life.  I know I have work to do still. I need a homegroup, a sponsor, and to start the steps. However,  I am going to lots of meetings, reaching out and talking to people, doing self care, meditation, working towards goals, and most of all staying clean.

I am spending too much time on social media and not enough time on me. I need help with that! I’m going to aftercare tonight, I plan on telling the counsellor and asking for guidance.

It’s amazing the difference that 72 days makes. I could honestly not even walk up stairs 72 days ago, couldn’t think about having any goals at all, just the thought of them made me anxious. Today i have a vision and am finding serenity.

Okay, I’m off to walk to aftercare. I will leave you with a song I’ve had on heavy repeat lately, amongst my heavy hip hop ❤ Sending lots of love and sunshine, thanks for reading ❤