Step 11

Improving Conscious Contact. First, I’ll say that to me God isn’t male or female, it’s bigger than that. God is something in me, which I seek to keep connected to and guide me. God brings me peace, and knowledge that no matter what happens, I’m where I am supposed to be.

To be real, some days it’s much easier than others! I get in my own way, with fear or resentment or other worldly clamours, and I can lose my peace. I’ve found that there’s not a formula, God is bigger than me thinking that by meditating ten minutes each day I’ll be connected, or any other check list I can come up with. By doing the will of the spirit of the Universe, I’m able to connect.

Other things which help me connect are yoga, service, and floating. For me, anything which improves my mind-body connection also improves my spirit. I try and float once a month, as long as I’m not injured, and it helps me to reset. Energy is real ‚̧

Does this make sense to you? How do you try and connect? How do you connect your mind and your body ?

Much love, world

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Causes and Conditions

I have learned that I am the problem. The heroin, the fentanyl, the cocaine….that was my solution. Now what do I do when I have days like today where I am struggling internally – as a result of my actions, or my reaction to what’s happening in my life. Today started as one of those days. i woke up at 3am obsessing over something. Fell back asleep, but my brain was still on repeat. I went for a bike ride, I walked my dog, I meditated – but the thoughts were still there. In the past the only thing that would have brought me comfort and calm was using. Today, I have another way of dealing with things! It’s amazing that someone like me, who lost everything and couldn’t stop using, doesn’t want to use today.

So what did I do? I got honest, and I wrote stuff down. I have learned in the past however long being sober that my fears drive most of my actions, and I’m a selfish and self centered person. So I look at my fears, I talk about them with someone, and suddenly I don’t feel alone. It’s magical, and it’s so simple. Not easy, but simple. I feel so much better now.

I am so imperfect, and I have so much room to grow. But I”m sick of feeling like I’m not enough, like I’m not worthy. So I need to change ūüėČ

Isolation versus Connection

I have realised that lately I have been isolating more. Not just physically, but mentally as well – separating myself from others. It’s all ego based, which I recognise, but it has been a hard pattern to break.

I’m an extroverted introvert, and I need a certain amount of time alone. However, lately I have pushed away many people in my life. I have been waiting for someone to choose me, instead of seeing reality. It’s interesting how this is a pattern in my life. Since I realised that, I spoke about it – some of the power left from it. Now i need to take action.¬† So what does that look like ? Meeting new people, and reconnecting with the friends I do have. I’ve been really feeling like I am not enough lately, which has been really uncomfortable and unnecessary. I didn’t recognise how much of a story I was telling myself until I got (mildly) sick this week and invented a whole scenario involving me and the hospital and people visiting me. Seeing that ego driven event for what it was made me look at other situations in my life. And now I’m going to make changes.

My life today is overall really beautiful. I’m just over 2 year and seven months sober, I have a connection (which I need to improve) with the universe, and I am full of love. I have faith.

It’s pretty amazing that people actually read this. I’m grateful for how far I’ve come since I started this journey I’ve been on – it’s amazing to think of my life when I started my path of recovery. I’m grateful, and if anyone out there is in need of help – please reach out ‚̧

What a Trip

My how life has changed. I was just re-reading some of those entries from when i was living in Van. Starting in February I was lying about my recovery, the pain is definitely felt there under those words.

I’m 28 months sober now. Wow what a trip. I am so blessed with the life I lead today. Even on difficult days and weeks like this past one, it has been real and true, and I’m so grateful for my ability to find peace in the chaos. I’ll expand on that later ‚̧

I know that the universe is unfolding as it should, as uncomfortable as it may be right now.

I hope that everyone out there knows that they are loved. Sending so much light out there

Vent

I found out last night that I have a friend on life support right now, due to addiction. He has been in and out of recovery for over 15 years, and he was just coming up on nine months clean and sober. I guess he left a meeting, decided to get high and was found unresponsive. 

I’m mad, I’m sad, and I also have some fear. He seemed to really “get it” this time, was writing great messages, giving back, doing the right things. All it took was one thought, and he ended up almost dying. That could so easily be me; I had to be revived a couple times but thanks to the grace of god I am ok. 

Now, I know this isn’t about me in any way, and I’m not posting this to get sympathy because that’s not what this is about for me. It’s bringing up feelings of unworthiness for me to be alive, anger at this disease, sad for my bud and his fam, and a bunch of things I haven’t quite figured out yet. 

I’m working on feeling my emotions, but not getting caught up in my story about them. I’ve been breathing and praying and meditating. I will rat myself out and say I’ve been isolating a bit this week, which had put me in a weird head space even before I found out about my friend. I am five months and three days sober today, and though I’m doing really well I still need to be vigilant and do my work and be honest and open. 
I’m going to meet my sponsor for coffee soon, and there is a noon meeting I’m going to attend with her, which will help. I’m also about to do a slow, meditative practice. I didn’t sleep well last night, I need to be easy on myself today. 

Thanks for being there to share/read/listen/be your beautiful selves and giving me the space to do the same ‚̧

Time Keeps Slipping

I was reviewing my¬†TimeHop “On This Day” and came across pictures from me last¬†year. I was¬†very sick. I was using heavy amounts of fentanyl and methadose daily, pretending I was sober. I was actually at an AA Convention this day last year, sneaking into the bathroom to get high.

Today is so very different. I woke up at 6am, gave thanks, prayed, meditated, walked my dog, did yoga, and had a cup of coffee all before 9am. I feel alive.

I’m¬†on Step 8 at the moment. It’s daunting, but like the rest of my recovery I know that I can manage. I am not my story, and don’t need to get caught up in my recollections of how bad of a person I may have been. Chances are, other people will remember it differently, and as long as I’m willing to make my amends then I’m growing spiritually.

Yesterday I had a slight breakdown, but after going to a meeting last night I realized it was because I hadn’t been to a closed meeting in a few days. I’m seeing ways I’m acting out in my¬†disease and working on change. For example,¬†my sugar consumption! I was consuming¬†candy, hot chocolate, and¬†other super sugary treats on the daily. I would miss dinner due to a busy¬†schedule, and just eat candy¬†instead. I have problems with my blood sugar¬†fluctuating due to this behaviour. I would tell myself today was the last day, then do it again the next. So I have¬†started to treat my candy¬†consumption like¬†drugs – just for today, I’m going to say no. I’m¬†whenever I have a craving as well. I know¬†to have my best possible life I need to work on keeping myself healthy in every possible way, and since I can’t consume sugar “normally”, I just need to¬†not eat any. I haven’t cut out fruit like pineapples or grapes or apples,¬†but¬†who¬†knows what will happen in the future.

I’m grateful today. I¬†plan on¬†spending a lot more time sharing my story,¬†because doing that takes the shame out of it for me and may¬†help someone else as well.

Sending love and light

 

 

Karma Teachers – My Yoga Teacher Training Experience

Four months prior to starting my Yoga Teachers Training with Karma Teachers I was homeless and hopeless. I had once again became powerless over my addiction. Through the grace of a Power greater than myself I was able to reach out for help and start back on the path of recovery.
I have always dreamed of being a yoga teacher. I have been practicing on and off since 2002. I had at one point even paid for a training, but wasn’t able to stop using and show up for class like I had planned. So, when I was doing some casual research on a Thursday I found that Karma was doing a Teacher Training in March I picked up the phone and managed to reach¬†Emerson Lim Yoga. I told him some of my story, and he let me know that training started the following Monday.
On our first day we met our new classmates and teachers, including¬†Rachael Fallon, and spent the day doing introductions and getting to know each other. I was nervous, but I shared honestly and openly of my experience in life as an addict. No one judged me; even though many people couldn’t relate to my particular experience everyone had their own shadows and battles about which they also shared openly. From that moment, we bonded. I learned and felt my first real lesson of Karma Teachers – the amount of time I know someone doesn’t affect the amount and depth of love and compassion I can have for them.
Through the next four weeks we laughed and cried – sometimes doing both at the same time. Through Rachael’s amazing teachings I was able to get more strong in every aspect of myself – physical, emotional, spiritual, mental. Rachael pushed me to a place she knew I could reach in the most nurturing way possible, always with grace and humour. I’m still in awe of her strength and capacity for love. Four months ago I struggled to walk up stairs, and now I can do headstands, sit in meditation for an hour with ease, and have a strong back. I learned pranayama, kriyas, Yoga Nidra and soooo much more. I am also able to lead a full yoga class, and will forever have her teaching’s etched on my heart.
Emerson‘s teachings were deep and heart felt, but always had space for humour. The yoga philosophy is parallel to many of the things I am doing in my recovery, which was able to help me reach a much deeper understanding. He helped me to take the words I know in my brain to really feel them in my heart. Emerson’s generosity, compassion, intelligence, honesty and bravery have helped save my life, and have changed me forever.

Karma Teachers has Teachers Trainings in both in Vancouver and Toronto, and I very highly encourage anyone and everyone to take part if you can. This revolutionary program is not just about doing the Asana (movements), you also gain tools on how to heal your trauma, how to build a community, and sooooooo much more.
I am forever grateful to Karma Teachers – I am not the same person I was a month ago. I have so much more peace, love, contentment and compassion for myself and everyone else. I am not my story. I am grateful for all of my experiences as they may help someone else one day, as long as I keep sharing when the moment arises.

I will be taking some of my teachings and combining them with my passion for non-profits, and working with at-risk youth and addicts. I am starting to develop a program which takes my yoga teachings and my nutrition background so they can be brought to anyone who is marginalized and in need of help. I also plan to start teaching women in prisons as soon as I can complete that training. I know that if I can do it, anyone can.

This is a long post, I appreciate anyone who took the time to read my experience. If anyone out there reading this is in need of encouragement, in need of help, or wants to know more of my experience, please reach out to me and I would love to tell you more.
Namaste ‚̧ūüíó‚̧

Junky 2 –

Junk takes everything and gives nothing but insurance against junk sickness.

I knew that I did not want to go on taking junk. If I could have made a single decision, I would have decided no more junk ever. But when it came to the process of quitting, I did not have the drive. It gave me a terrible feeling of helplessness to watch myself break every schedule I set up as though I did not have control over my actions.

William S Burroughs.

Doesn’t that just describe it perfectly? I’m so grateful today to be free from that cage, from that feeling, and from that life. Waking up not having to worry about how i’m going to use and avoiding being sick is such freedom ‚̧

I’m off to a job interview. I¬†am also moving into a new space this weekend. All thanks to¬†doing the next right thing.

With love and light

Pool Shark

Just listening to¬†Sublime, when Pool Shark came on. It’s always been a fave, but it has taken on a deeper meaning now due to my own struggles with addiction and opiates.

Have a listen, let me know what you think.

Sending love and light